I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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