somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
