Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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