I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
