My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
