I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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