we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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