I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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