He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
