Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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