Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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