I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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