I hope mine doesn't look like that
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
