saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm both gender and math confused
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
