As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
