Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
