I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
