he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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