he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
