I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
