i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
