but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
