I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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