You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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