I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
