Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
