I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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