I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
