I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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