Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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