You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
