I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
