whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
