meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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