i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
