Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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