Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
