Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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