Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
