I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
