I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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