I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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