Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
