My underwear smells like fireworks.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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