Jerry, you need to find god
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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