oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
People in love make me want to vomit
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
