Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have already put on my inside pants.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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