Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My vagina just clenched in fear
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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