My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
