I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
