I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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